Don’t Bury My Bones Yet

I have spent the better part of this week trying to figure out how I came to be so far off track with my last blog. I promise it started with the best of intentions but I took a wrong turn someplace. The truth is I spouted off without much thought to who it would effect. I had no idea that more than 3 people actually read this thing. So since I shared the selfish and thoughtless ramblings last time I thought I would share the other side of them this week. I hope I don't make any wrong turns with this one.

A friend reminded me this week that I have spent the last several months praying that God would send leaders to our church. Not just people to fill up the chairs but people with the ability and spiritual depth to lead. She reminded me that what and who God chooses is not up to me and God doesn't have to get my approval before sending someone. I guess we all kind of do that with prayer sometimes. We say God we need "this" and then God answers that prayer and we say "wait now that wasn't exactly what I had in mind." It's a good thing that God is all knowing and can see the bigger picture because we usually can't see past the 4x4 sticking out of our eye. I listened to one of our new members bring the message last Sunday night and I thought the point she made was very much right on target especially with me. She talked about how God buried Moses' body and the Israelites to this day have no idea where the body was buried. She made the point that if they had known they would have dug it up and most likely used it much as they had made other idols to worship instead of just worshipping God. She talked about how we bury our Moses' and then we go dig them back up…well I am very good that. I wondered while she was speaking if maybe I wasn't a Moses in the life of this church and maybe they should bury me so they could move on to bigger and better places. So here I am facing the people that God has brought into our church because we have asked Him to bring us leaders. Now what will I do? Will I continue to obsess about what they think of me? Will I continue to think that I wouldn't do things the way they do them or will I be the leader that God called me to be? Sometimes God calls us to get out of the way not to be gone and buried but just to get out of the way. One of the biggest blessings I have ever received came when I finally removed myself a little and got out of the way. I spent several years solely leading the choir and then one day God sent another who obviously had different talents and in many ways much more talent than I had. I had struggled with losing control but when I finally got out of the way then I began to see the vision I had for the choir come to fruition. Sometimes God gives us a vision and we think because we have the vision that no one else can add to it or take that vision and go further with it. I am learning that it takes all of us to bring about the vision God has given us.

 
 

All of the things that I thought I wanted to say just really never came out but I believe I have said what was in my heart. I need to apologize to Tiffany and that should be done face to face not on a blog. I may not agree with her on some things but I know that God has a place for her within this church. I made assumptions as the last blog is so rightly named and I'm sure she made some but that's what we do as humans. We make assumptions and screw up but what counts is what we do about it. So don't bury my bones yet I believe God still has some things for me to do.

 
 

Assumptions

 

I am considering resigning my position as Board member and Moderator of our church. How can I lead a congregation of people when some in the congregation think I am not fit to lead? We are a group of people who have been discriminated against because of who we love and now we are turning on our own and doing the same. I don't really care if someone disagrees with who I love but I do care that they make assumptions and then act on those assumptions without ever attempting to find out the truth. Here is a prime example of this: We have some new people at our church and the first few Sundays they really enjoyed the worship and especially the singing which I lead. They even had commented on the sweet spirit that seemed to be present while I was leading worship. They even went so far as to say the Sunday evening service was lacking that "spirit" because myself and another person do not attend the Sunday evening services. Now I would probably take issue with the Spirit thing but that isn't the point here. They overheard a conversation that gave them some false information a couple of Sundays ago. The next time we were in church together they had changed their opinion of me and no longer thought that I was worth their time to even speak to. They made an assumption and then acted on it without ever finding out the truth or even caring to find out the truth. Finding the truth is often much harder than just making an assumption. Making that assumption requires no energy on our part and requires no face to face conversation with those whom you are making the assumption about. While the assumption takes no action on the part of the one assuming, it requires an enormous amount of time and energy and pain from those who the assumption is about. I personally had to have several conversations with people who had been exposed to this assumption. These conversations weren't exactly pleasant and they often revealed parts of me that I had not intended to discuss at that moment with those people. I didn't make the mess but I had to clean it up. The thing that bothers me the most about these assumptions is that they came from people who are leaders in our church and one who would like to be a leader in our church. Here is the problem I have with remaining in a leadership role in this church: If those who are leaders will do this then how can they lead a congregation. I cannot fight forever for a congregation of people who prefer this type of leadership. I have a real problem with the one who would like to be a leader in our church but so easily made her assumption and acted on it. If that is the level of integrity then they have no business leading people anywhere. If she couldn't even have a conversation to find out the truth before she acted on it, then what kind of message will she send to a congregation full of people who are vulnerable and desperately need integrity and honesty and true leadership? The sad thing is that these people choose this type of leadership. They don't want to know the truth and they don't want to grapple with their faith and their relationship with God. The book of James tells us that our salvation should be worked out with fear and trembling. I believe this refers to a struggle to find the truth, to work out that which we believe and the way in which we are going to live. It doesn't mean we just make assumptions and act on them. There certainly isn't much work in that and certainly no soul searching and grappling with God or our faith.

 
 

So if this is the leadership they want then why do I bang my head against a wall with them. I am not always full of truth and integrity but I will give it all I have to try and find that truth and act on it rather than an assumption. I can only conclude from this that they do not want a person like me in leadership whether it is because of how I live or how I lead. It seems the same thing to me. But then I guess I may be making an assumption.