Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Do You Forgive Me? Really Forgive Me.....
I have been thinking lately about forgiveness. A while back there was some conflict in our church which resulted in some leaving. I heard the other day one of those who stayed say that "all was forgiven". I wondered at that.......how can all be forgiven when there has been no discussion or no exchange of words at all. Can you blanket all of the wrongs done to you with one "all is forgiven"? I don't think that's possible. Here is why I don't think it works that way. You may say in your heart and in your mind that you have forgiven all but have you accepted forgiveness from them? When we say we forgive all doesn't it say somewhere underneath that statement that we have done no wrong and we possess the power alone to forgive? Forgiveness is a two way street. I don't think we can only walk one-way down that street. How can you extend forgiveness to me when I don't even know what my wrongdoing is? Is it possible that both parties are responsible and both need forgiveness but yet if you blanket all of it then you deny me the opportunity to accept your forgiveness and you deny me the opportunity to offer you forgiveness. If one party believes that they alone can offer forgiveness and do not need to accept forgiveness as well then I would say forgiveness has not really been offered. Jesus offered himself as a sacrifice and he said basically all is forgiven but yet even Jesus requires me to come to him and confess my sin and my wrong doing in order to actually receive that forgiveness.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I disagree with you completely!
ReplyDeleteIf forgiveness happens in my heart then why do I need the apology, excuse or explanation of my perceived offender? I have the choice to "conclude" my anger and resentment whenever it's good for me and I am even able to arrive in this place without the repentance of the person with whom I am indignant.
However when I forgive without the benefit of a discussion I rob the other person the relief and "balm" of compassion. Christ gave his forgivenss in one enormous display of forgiveness. It was a "once and for all" granting of forgiveness for everyone. But, in order to live that forgiveness I first must be aware that it exists. What if the good news of Christ's gift had died over time. Would it cease to matter? Would the sacrifice have been in vain? I believe I would still be absolved of my wrong doing, but I would live with the weight of my guilt and I also miss the joy of being pardoned. Therefore I think it becomes very important to make another person aware that forgiveness has been put in motion. After all if I forgive and I harbor no resentment then I should want to help that person find relief.
My experiences with forgiveness have been much like the one you describe in your blog. I can't stay mad. It takes over my life. So I just forget most offenses...just let them die as quickly as possible. I literally release it and give the other person the benefit of the doubt and never say a word. I talk myself thru my feelings until I don't think of it. However, sometimes the person just keeps doing whatever it is that has me upset over and over. In these cases I have no choice but to separate myself from this person. (Heaven forbid that I actually confront my feelings and the other person.) I move them into a category of nonexistant. I banish them from my life. However on a few occaisions this person who has wronged me has cared enough to badger me into talking to them about what has happened between us. I mean literally they came to me and begged to get the rest of the story. So I told them. On each occaision the person that was seeking my forgiveness explained to me their intentions toward me AND perceptions of me. What I discovered is I didn't have a complete picture. This other person as well had some issues with me. They thought I HAD WRONGED THEM! In each instance I was able to offer forgiveness by understanding my friends point of view. I also gained valuable insight into the way others see and think of me. With my approach to "forgiving" I robbed myself of a learning and growth opportunity and ran the risk of disposing of a relationship. I lose the chance to have my needs met and to meet the needs of the people I love.
I am learning to do this forgiveness thing better. I try to talk out my hurts and resolve them with others. I have found that I still don't really need an apology but I do need to understand the motivation behind the words and actions that sting me. I need to see myself reflected in the eyes and words of others so that I can change and grow to be the person God has called me to be.
One can stuff feelings away and call it forgiveness....but it takes dialogue to process an event, gain perspective, and truly come to an understanding that the person is more valuable than the words or events that have taken place. Forgiveness involves not only getting over being angry but allowing yourself to be vulneralbe enough to permit that person to come close again. I know when I have found true forgiveness in my heart when I no longer need to be right. I seek to understand then to be understood.
I agree with you completely!
Kathy