Seeing Jesus

My heart is heavy tonight with a burden for our church, our pastor, and our members. Tonight I watched and listened to our choir during practice and it is just overwhelming to me the work that God has done there. I looked around tonight and saw a group of people who love each other and who love God above all. There was a time we could barely sing as a choir let alone lead the congregation in worship and song. Worship has become as natural as breathing to them now. I feel I have failed miserably in some aspects lately with the choir. I have not been the leader they have needed at times. I have let my own sin separate me from the very thing God has called me to do. At times I know I have been a stumbling block for the choir members. I have thought of quitting recently but something inside of me just can't fathom what life would be like without those people and that outlet for music and for worship. As we met tonight and prayed for some upcoming events this weekend, the prayer that kept coming out of me was that God would empty my heart of everything but Jesus. There is a song that says "Only this I want but to know the Lord and to bear his cross so to wear the crown he wore." I don't know how to empty myself of the selfishness in my heart and the deceit that often lives there. I only know that I have to know Him more, to be like him more and to be less of me.

There is a friend that seems to have grasped this concept much more than I have. She is someone that looks like Jesus to me. Whenever I can't seem to find my way or when I think God has left me because I am not worthy for God to even be near me let alone work through me………she is there encouraging me and telling me that God loves me and that she loves me. It really isn't the words she speaks to me that makes the big difference when I am down or discouraged. What makes the difference is looking at her and seeing what surely must be a heart like Jesus looking back at me and saying its ok I'm here. It doesn't matter if I'm wrong or right in whatever thing it is that is on my mind that day…….it just doesn't matter because I know she will still be standing there when all the dust settles and others have moved on. She is what I call a "steady on" person.

I can think of no better person than to be in the spiritual trenches with this coming weekend. I can think of no other who will model Christ's love even while her heart is breaking for the things that this weekend will bring. I only hope that when she needs to see Jesus that she can find him in me as I have found him in her. Thank you friend.

Finding Rest

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

12:56 AM

I have not written here lately not because I didn't have anything to say but because I had too much to say. My life has been a little like a roller coaster with every turn and twist bringing a different emotion and a different reaction to the things happening around me. I don't know if the roller coaster has completely come to a stop or maybe it's just on one of those straight stretches that sets you up for the next big climb and fall. I suppose if the roller coaster completely stopped then so would life. I still have too much to say and too many things to sort through to actually be able to write about them but tonight I found a rest that I had needed for several months. It wasn't a physical rest but rather a rest that my soul needed. Our church has been growing lately and a revival of sorts has broken out. Instead of meeting just once a week for service, it seems the people can't get enough and they have been meeting on Mondays, Wednesdays, Saturdays and Sunday. I mostly look forward to these meetings but at the same time they have been a little draining on me. The services have usually been very emotional in one way or another. The more emotional or moving the services have been, the more energized the people have become. I guess for me it has an opposite effect. I don't always do well with all the feelings and emotions. I learned several years ago that unleashing all those feelings and emotions leads to turmoil in my life. I had forgotten what that turmoil could feel like and what it could do in my life so God allowed me a little reminder here lately. I dropped the walls to those deep feelings and allowed all those emotions to be explored and felt. Emotions and feelings aren't bad things and I don't believe one should ever stop experiencing the wide range of emotions and feelings that God has given us. I also believe that some of us can lose control of those feelings if they are left unchecked. So during this last month I have been trying to clean up the mess of emotions that I have let run unchecked in my life. But that is another blog entry. Getting back to the church services. While the others have been energized by all these wonderfully emotionally charged services, I have felt drained and emptied. So today when the phone began ringing and people began texting saying let's have "church" this evening, I ignored my phone. I thought if I don't answer it then I won't be persuaded to go to yet another emotionally charged service. I also had hoped that by not answering the phone that I might escape the feelings of guilt that would come with saying no to another church service. But God used one of those people today to convince me that I could come and just sit in the pew and be ministered to. So I went with very little expectation but nevertheless I went. So for most of the time I was there I did indeed sit in a pew and it felt good. I enjoyed what was happening around me but still I had not found what I was looking for which I think now was rest and not physical rest but a rest in my soul. My soul has felt battered lately and just wore down. It seemed that every time I thought healing was coming that something would come to snatch it away. It seemed always just out of reach. Tonight for a few minutes I found that healing, that Balm that is in Gilead that makes the wounded whole. It came in two ways: through an unexpectant but welcome friend and through a precious little infant. At some point in the service a few worship videos were played and people were worshiping and singing. As was holding this baby and singing, a sense of rest and healing in my soul began to take place. There was no great wave of feelings or emotions like some were experiencing but rather the opposite for me. My soul found rest for that time and somewhere within my soul I heard and felt God say "I Am" and that is all you need for the moment. That friend who gently convinced me to come and find rest in a pew has been a source of that soothing balm as well. So many others have expectations or needs or it just seems to require a lot of energy right now to maintain some relationships but this friendship brings me rest. It's a rest that speaks to that same place within me that hold Seth brought to me tonight. For those few minutes the world just slipped away and there was nothing but Seth and God and a feeling of awe of just being in God's presence. My soul found rest, it found that balm that can heal a sin sick soul. What I felt was my soul connecting with God's spirit and speaking to my spirit saying "God is and that's enough for this moment.

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

There is a balm in Gilead

To make the wounded whole;

There is a balm in Gilead

To heal the sin sick soul.

 
 

Sometimes I feel discouraged,

And think my work's in vain,

But then the Holy Spirit

Revives my soul again.

 
 

Pasted from <http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/t/i/tisabalm.htm>